Goatmoose

Actually, the problems are coming in packs. For a single day, I’ve followed you on Twitter. One single day has taught me all I need to know: The 141,917 fellow humans following you on the networking site are not doing so because they love your parachute pants.

It all started when someone re-tweeted this original tweet, implying that despite popular beliefs, society’s wishes, and God’s good graces, you are still rolling around the earth with an entourage:

Just landed in Utah… Had to get the dancers through and around an ice storm. Close call …almost got stuck in Madison! But we here !!!

Really, Hammer? We here? Wisconsin to Utah? That’s high life mang, for rizz. This was enough to bring me to your Twitter page. It only got worse.

Last time I saw you, your shit was being towed away in a Nationwide commercial. I pretty much assumed that was just real life footage of recent events. Today, I was thoroughly corrected. Apparently life comes at me fast.

Not only have you been tearing up the streets of Utah with your crew, but selling all your remaining earthly possessions to Cash 4 Gold hooked you up with enough ends to support your nightly activities that spawned the following tweet:

Bowling with my dancers !!! They was raw tonite!! Off the Chain! http://twitpic.com/1px42

Really, Hammer? Bowling? With dancers? Raw? Chains? What the hellfire and damnation kind of talk is that? You went BOWLING! The adjective ‘raw’ has never, could never, and will never be associated with the sport of bowling in any conceivable way. Unless you were talking about the lesion on your foot from the rental shoe – but seriously, Hammer, you’ve got to think of how many people have worn those shoes over the years. The Lysol cleanse is really quite insufficient.

Hippie Love Baby ! http://twitpic.com/1qe5c

What can I say, I almost couldn’t even continue to believe this Twitter page was serious after seeing the above. Especially when under the picture were the user comments including “Youse back on top Hammer!!!” and “That looks awesome MC! You got to be in front of a humongous TV, Right?” What!? People, for real, what?! In the words of David After Dentist, “Is this real life?” Are they serious? Is he serious? I can’t see anything.

I guess to sum it all up, I should leave you with the Hammer Tweet that brings an unfortunate haze of cumulonimbus darkness over my soul. The tweet that identifies the suffering mankind is to endure years in the future…

My Son with me….hitting the stage.. He tight… http://twitpic.com/1p5y1

First of all, MC, saying your son is tight… I know it’s great and fresh slang, but for reezy…

Second of all, MC… omg. I can only hope and pray he’s as off the chain at the gangsta sport of bowling as you.

Get buck.