Goatmoose

This is a great film to start off the awful half of Hopefully You Have Missed, because I’d almost bet a hospital full of newborns that everyone has missed Satanic Yuppies. The film also goes by the name Evil Ambitions, an equally terrible title for a truly powerful piece of Francis Ford Crappola.

So there’s this PR firm/modeling agency place called Inferno. Their conference room has a painting of the lady in charge kneeling before Satan. Rush Limbaugh is one of their clients. The agency doubles as a cult teamed up with a political wannabe guy and they all plan on summoning Satan by gathering up five model girls, sacrificing them, putting their hearts into a jug and ultimately delivering a virgin bride to the big red man himself. This will then make Mr. S (they call him that once in the movie, for real) grant them wishes of money and power. Sounds reasonable enough. At least it must, because the movie opens by telling you the story is based on true occurrences in Ohio or something. So clearly it’s true.

The first shot has a topless woman with a snake on her. It’s always a sign the movie will be a gem when the first shot has Satan worshipping, nudity and snakes. Very badly filmed Satan worshipping, nudity and snakes, I must add. The whole film seems to use no form of color correction or white balancing and looks like it was filmed using a consumer-grade mid-90′s home VHS camcorder. Probably was…

The acting is porn caliber. Maybe. Sasha Grey is way better than any of these people. So is Randy Spears. Right, porn in general is better. And shot better. And has better scenery, props, editing, costuming, and…oh my, I should have just watched porn.

The main character, a news reporter who stumbles into this tangled web of Satanic stuff, is a doofus who looks like a teenager playing dress up as a disgruntled, hackneyed journalist for a crap paper. He’s a slob, wears suspenders, some shit Cubs hat, always sucks on a never-burning cigar, always eats like a pig, blah blah.

So as expected, there’s a lot of breasticles in this movie. Most are completely unnecessary, as you’d also expect. Nearly every woman involved shows hers at one point or another. Most of them die, the plot thickens (doesn’t) and you follow the reporter (I forget his name already) as he tries to unravel the mystery (uninteresting). Oh, you may be wondering “hey, do they succeed in conjuring Satan?” They sure do, you lucky dog!

Satan pops up wearing a suit, complimenting others on their clothes, losing weight, their tits (you knew that). He has a secretary with a notepad…

Thinking about this movie any further is ludicrous. The lesson? Avoid Satanic Yuppies. Do not pay $9.99 for it on Amazon or I will be so mad at you.