Goatmoose

I have to admit – I only made it about halfway through this one. Opening with the title screen “Low Budget Productions” is never a good start.

First off, that girl on the poster isn’t in it. Nor are there any guns. Already an epic fail. Instead of her, you’re stuck watching this disgustingly awful fat girl with dried chocolate syrup all over her face. She’s got the worst lisp in history and does intentionally bad acting that comes across as exactly that.

Now, I’m all for campy fun trash movies, and Troma films and the horror genre in general are good for that. But good JESUS! This movie can easily be summed up as this: nothing. There’s nothing worth anything in it. Nothing. Terrible. No reason whatsoever to watch it, and it’s only 59 minutes long. It succeeds at one thing: making Satanic Yuppies look like The Shawshank Redemption.

The plot: Mulva the stupid girl and her morbidly obese friend are going trick-or-treating, despite being like 23. Mulva hasn’t been out on Halloween for years, because a while back she saw someone fornicating a donut with another donut, and watched someone with a lemon peel in his mouth make monkey sounds. This scarred her for life, deterred her from Halloween, and caused her to habitually brush her teeth with chocolate syrup and put Junior Mints in her cereal (which she tops with Pepsi).

Right, so by now you should be seeing why I only made it about 25 minutes.

Mulva (yeah, that’s a girl), her fat friend Cassie, and a “black guy” with a Don King haircut named Mr. Bonejack (played by Chris Seaver, the “director”)

So zombies come to town for some reason this Halloween night, and Mulva has to fight through them with Cassie to get all the candy she can handle. Mulva is so ugly that she dresses up as Harold Ramis in his Ghostbusters outfit, while Cassie is a London whore. Mr. Bonejack protects them, as he knows the zombies are about. He’s a white guy dressed up as a black guy, being very stereotypical, idolizing the Cosby show and Jello, and is probably just plain offensive to real black folks.

By the time you’d find all the above out by actually watching the film, you’d already have the gun in your mouth and your finger on the trigger. Stay far, far away. B-movie is waaay too generous a term for this turd.