Goatmoose

Every so often throughout the course of time, an influential figure emerges that redefines cool, and slays the babies of normalcy. These figures live on as precedent for future icons, authoring the course of what shall be.

It all started with our first celebrity, Jesus. Much like Ty Pennington, Mr. Christ was born a nobody, rose to be a master carpenter, and enriched the lives of many through unbridled acts of social benefaction. He made the beard cool, as well as the sandal, and gave society a foot fetish that would last for millennia to come. He was put to death for his selflessness, and the first dim and grainy photo on the wall at the Hard Rock Cafe of Awesome was hung.

Years and many fantastic figures later, we are now gifted with a new sparkling emblem of personal and moral piousness. Still artfully disguised in the “who’s that?” section of many people’s minds, he exposes our culture to a rich smog of sanity that nobody can deny. That person is Rainn Wilson. And here’s why:

What’s in a name?
Everything, if your name is Rainn. It is a symbol of his ability to wash us with sweet, bursting nuggets of undefinable pleasure that trickle down our spines and collect at the trunk of our purified tootsies. Here it congeals into a pleasant goo, aiding and soothing every step taken for the rest of our lives.

What has he done that’s so great?
Though it is unwise and largely dangerous to challenge a potential diety, Rainn forgives those who are uneducated and meek. His contributions span a number of things far higher than a pitiful human mind can calculate. A number that expands beyond the decimal places in pi. Let’s see…

January 1966:
He crept from the womb in Seattle, establishing one more reason why Seattle is the coolest place in America.

1966-1999:
He hides from everyone, not yet known by the masses for the world’s work that he is to do later at age 33, much like the aforementioned hero Jesus. Years of carpentry are suspected.

1999: Galaxy Quest

By far one of the most underrated films of all time, Rainn decides to tread the waters and find out if the world is prepared for his illumination as the quintessential world citizen. Well tested, he reveals himself heavily makeupped, as an alien form, which may or may not be his true self. Fortunately, the reception did not backfire, and his work progressed…

1999-2001
Peppers himself among the masses, as “Guy in Supermarket” on an episode of CSI, and other such conspicuous things.

2001: America’s Sweethearts

Appears as Dave O’Hanlon, clearly the most important figure in the movie. His somewhat hesitant face in Galaxy Quest is replaced with an aura of confidence, and the enrichment of human life proceeds.

2003: House of 1000 Corpses

Ever the ingenious sage, he speaks to us through very unconventional means… A horror film.

2003-2005: Six Feet Under

As Arthur Martin on the brilliant Alan Ball show Six Feet Under, Rainn got the opportunity to make out with Frances Conroy and showcase himself alongside future serial murderer Michael C. Hall. And then, there was…

2005-Endless: The Office

Dwight Schrute cares about certain things: German history, beets, selling paper, being Michael Scott’s favorite employee, thwarting Jim Halpert, the old in-out-in-out with Angela, thwarting Andy Bernard, and Battlestar Galactica. By those means representing the main desire of every human being alive, he has fused his place as the founder of the new world, ready to perch on the heads of the populous and lather us with the fluid of his righteousness.

As a bonus, he has helped found the wonderful website Soul Pancake, a site that takes a silly, jovial approach to looking at and discussing some of life’s toughest spiritual and ethical questions. Being the powerful person he is, he has developed a means for the average Henry or Roy to open up about their innermost feelings, where he can sit and absorb the true spirit of humanity and suck it into his belly.

…

Or maybe he’s just a funny actor and a pretty cool guy with some great ideas. Soul pancake is a trip, and Rainn has a solid foundation. He means to do well for people, but still isn’t above making movies where he dresses up as a 4 year old and asks “Do you really have to pee in a girl’s mouth to make babies?” That’s my kind of awesome.

Want to see a side of him you may have missed in popular culture? Read this interview from the website of the Baha’i Faith, of which Rainn is a lifelong believer.