Goatmoose

This is stupid.

This game hardly deserves a review. I played it for about two hours before running out of will. It’s essentially a cheap pharmacy jokebook about penises and boobs. The kind you look at when you’re in the checkout aisle because it’s in the bin next to you, not actually worth the $2 pricetag.

I rented this hoping it’d be fun. It wasn’t. I’m not a big platformer fan by nature, but I thought I’d try. Failure. I was also looking forward to the voice acting by Patrick Warburton, because he’s a legend of all legends. Failure. I thought the story might be silly enough to be somewhat entertaining. Failure. It’s just stupid. You fuck around on a movie lot, wiping graffiti dicks off of walls, observing posters for movies like Bitanic and Beefcake Mountain… there’s also Anus Studios… it’s all lower than low-brow. It’s just dirty sanchez stupidity.

The controls blow, which isn’t helpful for an already sucky platformer. The voice acting and script are dog piss. The camera sucks and is often fixed in a stupid place that doesn’t let you see what you’re doing. The character animations and modeling are horrible. Most of the characters look like they were drawn in crayon on the back of an old catcher’s mitt. Larry doesn’t interact with the world properly because it is pixely and jagged. The actions are completely unintuitive (to jump, double jump, kick off of a wall, grab a ledge and then pull yourself up, you push A A A A A. Wow.) Everything about this is just wrong, especially if you paid real money for it.

I could go further and into more specifics, but why? It’s a ballsack of a game – and how much do you really want to read about something pumped full of suckage? Just don’t buy it. Buy anything instead. Literally.