Goatmoose

Sure, Ninja Gaiden II came out like a year ago. Better late than never…

This game is a fast-moving, sword-whizzing, crazy piece of neat. Though for real, this “ninja” could take a few lessons from Rikimaru on how to actually operate like a ninja. There’s no stealth, no trying to take the silent and quick approach… no real ninja-ing at all, aside from the fact you dress like one, use swords and throwing knives and such. But who cares? It’s a silly fun Michael Bay style action game full of ridiculousness that makes it enjoyable.

There’s a load of violence in this title. For real. Sometimes it is borderline nasty, and that’s what’s rad. You’ll just roll through the linear world, hacking off limbs, spraying red everywhere and not giving a crap. Pop off a guy’s head, shove the sword down his trunk and fling him away like a sack of stew. Ryu Hyabusa has an uncanny ability to move a sword at 300mph for hours upon end. I now wish I had a sword capable of separating a man’s arm at the shoulder with one fell swoop.

Ninja Gaiden II is an updated version of the series as we know it. The graphics are gorgeous. The controls can be a little wonky, and the camera often sucks. There’s your facts. I didn’t pay attention to the story because I don’t really care – regardless of what’s going on, I’m going to be walking down a relatively straight path, slaughtering everything in my way, opening trunks and finding things that can heal me, and end up at some huge boss that will kill me 10 times before I figure out how to beat it. That’s Ninja Gaiden. Pure, silly, action fun.

Let’s further explain this title using some apt metaphors:

If Ninja Gaiden II were a pair of pants, they would be Dickies.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a movie, it would be Sudden Death. On VHS.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a drink, it would be an Irish car bomb.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a fat guy, it would be Joe Pesci.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a cereal, it would be one of those huge plastic sacks of generic Froot Loops.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a dead world leader, it would be Idi Amin.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a pair of shoes, they would be tattered boots, but would smell nice.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a bone, it would be broken, yet strong enough to punch your head.
If Ninja Gaiden II were a penis, it would be super fat, but really short.

So that should pretty much clear up anything you wanted to know.

Overall, it’s a pretty fun game if you don’t mind mind-numbing action platformers filled to the brim with needless gore. Don’t expect to be intellectually challenged; you may actually find your face covered with drool if you play for too long. But, it’s fun, and at least worth a play.