First off, that girl on the poster isn’t in it. Nor are there any guns. Already an epic fail. Instead of her, you’re stuck watching this disgustingly awful fat girl with dried chocolate syrup all over her face. She’s got the worst lisp in history and does intentionally bad acting that comes across as exactly that.

Now, I’m all for campy fun trash movies, and Troma films and the horror genre in general are good for that. But good JESUS! This movie can easily be summed up as this: nothing. There’s nothing worth anything in it. Nothing. Terrible. No reason whatsoever to watch it, and it’s only 59 minutes long. It succeeds at one thing: making Satanic Yuppies look like The Shawshank Redemption.

The plot: Mulva the stupid girl and her morbidly obese friend are going trick-or-treating, despite being like 23. Mulva hasn’t been out on Halloween for years, because a while back she saw someone fornicating a donut with another donut, and watched someone with a lemon peel in his mouth make monkey sounds. This scarred her for life, deterred her from Halloween, and caused her to habitually brush her teeth with chocolate syrup and put Junior Mints in her cereal (which she tops with Pepsi).

Right, so by now you should be seeing why I only made it about 25 minutes.

Mulva (yeah, that’s a girl), her fat friend Cassie, and a “black guy” with a Don King haircut named Mr. Bonejack (played by Chris Seaver, the “director”)

So zombies come to town for some reason this Halloween night, and Mulva has to fight through them with Cassie to get all the candy she can handle. Mulva is so ugly that she dresses up as Harold Ramis in his Ghostbusters outfit, while Cassie is a London whore. Mr. Bonejack protects them, as he knows the zombies are about. He’s a white guy dressed up as a black guy, being very stereotypical, idolizing the Cosby show and Jello, and is probably just plain offensive to real black folks.

By the time you’d find all the above out by actually watching the film, you’d already have the gun in your mouth and your finger on the trigger. Stay far, far away. B-movie is waaay too generous a term for this turd.

Most of you have probably seen The Transporter films, or at least one of them. Most of you have probably heard of the recent Liam Neeson thriller “Taken.” Well, this French film is from Luc Besson, the writer of The Transporter (and Taken, Bandidas, The Fifth Element, La Femme Nikita TV series, and other great action titles) and Pierre Morel, the director of Taken. It’s a perfect action film: hella awesome stunts, nonstop movement, a plotline just strong enough to hold the movie together, some overblown characters and lots of fists and bullets.

For those of you who have trouble watching non-English movies, you’re just a stupid lazy knucklehead.

Here’s the overall plot: District B13 is the roughest, toughest housing project area that you can imagine. The local authorities built a giant barbed wire wall around it to keep the scumbags in and everyone else out. The cops don’t give a shit about it, people in town don’t give a shit about it, and it’s basically considered a long lost cause. A B13 thug named Taha, who has a million cronies that work for him, kidnapped the sister of a fellow named Leito. Leito is played by David Belle, the founder of parkour, and probably the most fit human being alive. On another string, a bomb makes its way into B13 and into Taha’s posession. A cop named Damien (played by Cyril Raffaelli, the 2nd most fit human being alive) is sent on a mission to go disarm the bomb, and Leito is to accompany him and meanwhile rescue his sister. The nutshell of a typical wacky action film.

But these guys make Jason Statham look like a wussy.

The first thing you will think when the action opens up is “holy crap, this dude is insane.” That dude is David Belle. The action in this film heavily relies on parkour, the free running method he invented. Have you ever seen someone jumping across rooftops, landing and rolling, or climbing a wall that isn’t climbable, or leaping from a railing to a skinny wall, flipping onto another railing, doing a wall run and jumping to safety? Yeah, that’s parkour – and it’s all through this film. I believe I read that 90% of the stunts had no wires, safety trickery or CGI involved. It’s all pure human awesomeness. Having the man behind parkour as a main character is ace, and Cyril is just as good by his side.

Here, just check it out for yourself. This is about 5-10 minutes into the movie:

The direction is solid, as even though this was Pierre Morel’s directorial debut, he has long been a cinematographer and knows his way around the camera. The soundtrack is rad, the pacing is great, and all the actors straight through to minor characters are better than you find in a lot of action films. And man, this film gets intense.

It’s only 84 minutes long so it flies right by, and also means you have no excuse to not watch it. And it made me remember how much I want to speak French. Tres bien.

Buy it for $8.99 on DVD from Amazon or $18.99 for Blu Ray.

So there’s this PR firm/modeling agency place called Inferno. Their conference room has a painting of the lady in charge kneeling before Satan. Rush Limbaugh is one of their clients. The agency doubles as a cult teamed up with a political wannabe guy and they all plan on summoning Satan by gathering up five model girls, sacrificing them, putting their hearts into a jug and ultimately delivering a virgin bride to the big red man himself. This will then make Mr. S (they call him that once in the movie, for real) grant them wishes of money and power. Sounds reasonable enough. At least it must, because the movie opens by telling you the story is based on true occurrences in Ohio or something. So clearly it’s true.

The first shot has a topless woman with a snake on her. It’s always a sign the movie will be a gem when the first shot has Satan worshipping, nudity and snakes. Very badly filmed Satan worshipping, nudity and snakes, I must add. The whole film seems to use no form of color correction or white balancing and looks like it was filmed using a consumer-grade mid-90′s home VHS camcorder. Probably was…

The acting is porn caliber. Maybe. Sasha Grey is way better than any of these people. So is Randy Spears. Right, porn in general is better. And shot better. And has better scenery, props, editing, costuming, and…oh my, I should have just watched porn.

The main character, a news reporter who stumbles into this tangled web of Satanic stuff, is a doofus who looks like a teenager playing dress up as a disgruntled, hackneyed journalist for a crap paper. He’s a slob, wears suspenders, some shit Cubs hat, always sucks on a never-burning cigar, always eats like a pig, blah blah.

So as expected, there’s a lot of breasticles in this movie. Most are completely unnecessary, as you’d also expect. Nearly every woman involved shows hers at one point or another. Most of them die, the plot thickens (doesn’t) and you follow the reporter (I forget his name already) as he tries to unravel the mystery (uninteresting). Oh, you may be wondering “hey, do they succeed in conjuring Satan?” They sure do, you lucky dog!

Satan pops up wearing a suit, complimenting others on their clothes, losing weight, their tits (you knew that). He has a secretary with a notepad…

Thinking about this movie any further is ludicrous. The lesson? Avoid Satanic Yuppies. Do not pay $9.99 for it on Amazon or I will be so mad at you.

Without further ado, let’s get retarded:

Serenity

I have never watched Firefly. Now, I must. I simply must. The urge to do so is pumping through me like an enema of desire. It is not too much of a secret that I have a super huge celebrity crush on Summer Glau, primarily thanks to her brilliance as Cameron on The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Plus, she used to be a ballerina, and has the same birthday as me, albeit a few years earlier. She’s just fantastic. Anyway, she’s as awesome as ever in this film from 2005. As is the rest of the cast. It’s even got one of the 38 Baldwins in it, so come on…

So what does one expect from Serenity? Often when you think about a sci fi film, the first things that pop into your head are:

So when a sci fi comes around that has a great story, nonstop action, solid acting, a big budget and NO naked tits are necessary, it’s a remarkable thing; and Serenity definitely is a remarkable thing. Serving as the official “ending” to the short-lived Firefly TV series, the movie seems to have stood as ill-fated as its predecessor, as most have not seen it. A shame, folks. A shame. Get with the program.

Serenity follows the crew of a ship (yeah, Serenity is the ship), and its most important passenger, River Tam (Summer Glau). She’s important because she was a military experiment and is now a super killer time bomb that can blow at any moment and put all sorts of feet into all sorts of asses. She’s also a psychic. The crew protects her from an organization full of bad people as the baddies chase them around a bunch of crazy planets, knocking off everyone who knows them, all while the good guys try and uncover a greater mystery. No need for a character analysis of everyone else – they’re all there; a badass who wants to be in charge, a girl helplessly in love with another crew member, a cute married interracial couple, the struggling captain, his ex lover, some old guys, an evil nemesis, you get the point.

I expected the movie to suck, to be honest. I watched it for Summer. To my great surprise, this film kept me on the edge of my couch cushion for the full two hour runtime. If you have never seen it, you will thoroughly enjoy it, regardless of your typical movie preferences. There is action, heartache, anger, doubt, mystery, tension, and effective comic relief built in right when you need it. And Summer Glau.

With the standard DVD available for $9.49 on Amazon, the Blu-Ray for $19.99 or free in HD streaming from Netflix, there is no excuse for you to exist Serenity-free for much longer.

I shall leave you with no more information – experience it for yourself. Now go, watch. Be a leaf on the wind.