Fruit Ninja Kinect

Apparently a lot of people have played Fruit Ninja on their phones and handheld devices. Being one of the four people who downgraded from a smart phone to a “normal” phone, I wasn’t aware of the title until it made its way to Kinect. I do, however, doubt it would be nearly as much fun on a phone screen as it can be using your body with the Xbox hardware.

Fruit Ninja puts a shadowed version of yourself up against a plethora of fruits. As they come up on the screen, you slash them in true ninja style. Depending on the game mode being played, you may have to slash against the clock, work to get as high a score as possible, or avoid a milieu of bombs as they fly through the air along with the fruit. That’s really all there is to the game – but it’s fun, and great with a group of people. Especially semi- or fully-drunk people.

Fruit Ninja knows its foundation stands on the very basic principles of gameplay, and it executes it well. That said, whether or not it’s worth 800 MSP is debatable. It probably isn’t, but not due to a lack of quality, only due to its thinness. While the game works well and is fun within its limitations, it’s ultimately still a pretty slim game with only a few different play modes that could grow old pretty quickly. Smashing fruit is very fun, but not for extended amounts of time. I personally don’t regret shelling out the 800, but I’ve certainly got plenty more for my money on other things. Its achievements aren’t very difficult either, once you get the hang of what you’re doing, which cuts down on replay value as well.

A little tip – the first time you play it, don’t do so longer than you’re capable. Your arms will be horribly sore the next day.

Hole in the Wall

This was a game show I remember hearing about a while back but only assume made it to the air at some point, as I never actually saw it on television. The idea is that you (or your team) are on a platform while a moving wall comes at you. The wall has a cut-out section in the shape of some ridiculous pose. You have to contort yourself to fit through the hole, else the wall pushes you backwards into a giant pool of green Mountain Dew-ish water. It’s a funny idea, clever and unique, and though it apparently failed for TV, makes sense as a Kinect game.

There is a “show” mode, which plays off how the television show worked. It puts your team up through three rounds of play where you have to fit through a number of walls. Three strikes (failures to get through the wall) and you’re out. After those are passed, there is a Final Round where you have another sequence of walls, but the lights are turned off and it is harder to see the holes you need to fit through. Obviously as you progress, the walls get more complicated and move a little faster.

The other mode is an endless survival mode, the point of which is basically to get through as many walls as you can without failing. And that’s about it.

The game responds pretty well using the Kinect. It recognizes your movements well and is fairly fun to play. But like Fruit Ninja, and probably even moreso, the game’s fun wears off fast. It’s good for a party, entertaining in concept, but falls flat quickly. With little else to the title, I’d say wait until this one is on weekly special for 400 MSP. It doesn’t deliver the substance to be worth the standard asking price of 800 MSP.

Let me preface by stating that I played through the Honest Hearts story, got both endings and bagged all 120 achievement points in just over three hours. That’s $3.33/hr. And I even did all the optional missions that have no relevance to the actual plot. Let’s take a look…

Looking back in time, the Fallout 3 DLC packs were grand, exciting things that not only added to the story and the depth of Fallout 3′s main track, but provided excellent discoveries and characters along the way. When Dead Money came out for New Vegas, I was expecting the same. Instead what we got was a Saw-esque scenario that not only lacked relevance to the main story, but failed to capture the spirit of Fallout the way the DLC packs for its predecessor did. It was, however, at least something that you could spend more than a couple hours working on, which is more than I can say about Honest Hearts.

Honest Hearts puts you in front of Joshua Graham, the famous Legate of Caesar we’ve been hearing about the whole game. He was forced into retirement after the battle of Hoover Dam when Caesar had him covered in pitch, burned, and chucked into the Grand Canyon. Turns out he lived and has been hiding out in Zion National Park with a couple gangs of folks, has a bandaged face and is a relatively likable guy. He’s revered by his followers and wants you to help him protect them from another group of nutjobs that pretty much look and act the same as Graham’s followers, but we’re told they are bad. That’s essentially the point. Nothing really made me give a crap about him or his people, or the fate of Zion for that matter. I’m just told to help him, and for some reason I do. After hearing about The Burned Man during the entirety of Fallout 3, I was really looking forward to meeting him and diving into his story. It’s very impressive how they managed to take such a mysterious and interesting character and end up making him so boring. Oh, and if you choose to shoot him in the face instead of offering to help his crew (or if you choose to shoot the scrawny fellow that takes you to him thirty seconds after you start), the DLC pretty much ends right there and you’re left to wander Zion with even less purpose.

The missions are essentially fetch missions – go here, get this, go shoot some folks here, then we’ll team up and kick bum. The environment, while vast, amazingly well-designed, littered with tons of areas to roam and explore and completely perfect for the Fallout universe, is equally underused by the DLC. Honest Hearts forces you to traverse only a small amount of the land – and while it does give you the ability to return to it after completion (which is different from most), there really isn’t much reason to. Sure, there is plenty of terrain you can roam and look for things and be all Fallout-y, but there isn’t a whole lot there to find. I guess if you really wanted to walk around for 8 hours shooting mole rats and young cazadors, it’d be the best DLC ever, but I’m more into usefulness. It’s all very thin.

Honest Hearts provides a couple new weapons and armor offerings, as do all DLC packs, but it doesn’t really give you anything to write home about. When I went back to the Mojave Wasteland after beating the DLC for the second time, I kept using the same weapon I took into the DLC to begin with. A quick trip to Gun Runners netted me a few caps for the junk I brought back from Zion, but even that was hardly worth it.

As a Fallout fan so devout that I’ll continue to buy DLC and play no matter what the quality, these words hurt me to write. I may have radiated water in my veins, but the New Vegas DLCs are 0 for 2 in my books. Even if you subscribe to Graham’s story and are interested in the character of the Burned Man, I feel there isn’t enough there to counter the game’s tiny story and pace. Zion is expansive and awesome, but an environment alone can’t carry a lackluster… everything else. On the contrary, if you’re only contemplating a play for the 120 achievement points, you should definitely give it a go. You basically get one for starting the DLC, two more during the story, then one for each of the two endings. If you save at the right place before the story branches, you can get both endings with less than 10 minutes work each from the branching point.

At least the next DLC should be out in a month… third time’s a charm, maybe?

Stacking is an adorable little game that puts you in control of Charlie Blackmore, the world’s smallest Russian stacking (matryoshka) doll, in a quest to save your family. They have been kidnapped and forced into child labor under the rule of an evil Baron. With your stacking abilities, you stack into dozens of other characters around the world, using their special abilities and talents to overthrow the Baron and free not only your family, but all others suffering under his treachery.

From a creative standpoint, It’s absolutely silly and super original. The game is a joy to play, narrated using silent movie-esque cut scenes with humorous dialogue and entertaining characters. The story is a straightforward rescue mission, pitting you in five locations with tons of unique and funny dolls to stack into and solve problems. Each area has a number of problems you need to solve, each with multiple methods for solving. It’s all good fun and not like any game you’ve ever played before. Its balance of aesthetics, originality, humor and seriousness are fused with a great control system, innovative play and grand visuals for an overall well-developed title.

The achievements for Stacking are all offline and are congruent with completing everything there is to complete in each area. Going after them all will also guarantee you do everything there is to do in the game. This would entail finishing each section’s story, stacking into each unique doll in every area, finding all the solutions to each problem in each area, and completing various hi-jinks that are unique to each level. The hi-jinks range from using certain dolls’ special abilities (farting, hammering a gavel, etc.) on other dolls, to influencing the environment in various ways. Each of these things adds a layer of depth to the story and keeps you playing a little longer in each level. The hardest of the bunch may be finding each unique doll in which to stack yourself, as there is little help in this regard when it comes to knowing who you’re missing, forcing you to stack with any doll that looks unique and interact with everyone on the level.

The downside is this game is painfully short-lived and easy. Doing everything above took me five hours from the time I turned the game on to the time every single thing was completed and I had a 200/200 gamerscore. This is because the story challenges are very simple, and if you aren’t sure how to obtain each solution, there are in-game hints that tell you exactly what to do. Finding the unique dolls and doing the hi-jinks, while the most time consuming element of the game, wasn’t that much of a problem as you generally unlock most of them by “accident” just playing through to solve the level challenges. There’s usually only a handful left to do by the time you’ve completed each section’s story, so it’s merely a wrap-up at the end of each part.

None of that would be that big of a deal if the game didn’t come with a 1200MS point ($15) price tag. That puts it in the top tier for XBLA titles and for something that only takes 5 hours to complete and has absolutely no replay value once done, you’re paying about $3/hr for the game. That’s pretty pricey. It’s a great way to get an extra 200 points into your gamerscore and add another completed game to your list, but those points come at a large cost. The experience of the game is certainly fun, but the price shouldn’t be more than 800MS points at most.

Seriously. 15 minutes or less.

The game is essentially a racer and a shooter, depending on which side you play. You have the ability to either take control of the cars going around the track, or as a series of gun turrets positioned along the sides that attempt to shoot the cars as they race. Most of the game’s achievements rely on you being a turret, but you’ll need to do both to complete them all. There are also two that are “multiplayer” achievements, but you’re able to get them locally without actually going on Xbox Live, or without even having any other people in your game.

Turret Downgrade – 10 pts – Activate a turret downgrade powerup
One of the multiplayer achievements. Just start a “multiplayer” game by yourself with bots, play as a race car, and run over one of the many, almost unavoidable turret downgrade icons on the track. Done.

Turret takeover – 10 pts – Shoot and takeover an enemy turret
Another multiplayer achievement. Simply start a multiplayer game with bots, play as a turret, and find a turret that allows you to see another turret. Give it a few shots and then push A when prompted. Done.

Affiliation – 10 pts – Join a multiplayer game for the first time
You don’t even have to play, you just have to get to the lobby screen for a multiplayer game and back right out. All it needs you to do is connect to one for a second.

Justin Carpenter Achievement – 10 pts – Just look at credits
The achievement says it all. Open the credits for 1 second and it’ll pop.

First Blood 20 pts – Wreck an opponent as a shooter
As a turret, fully destroy a car. It’ll take a handful of shots and kaboom.

Entertainer – 10 pts – Host a multiplayer game for the first time
Just like Affiliation, you don’t actually have to play. Start a hosted game and as soon as the lobby windows pop up, you’ll get it.

Missile-Fest – 10 pts – Get the missile launcher for the first time
Turret upgrades are achieved by shooting the turret upgrade icons along the track. The missile launcher is the 4th weapon for the turret, so you’ll have to upgrade 3 times. Just jump between turrets and shoot three of them, press X to switch to your missile launcher, and that’s that.

Mine-Fest – 10 pts – Deploy mines for the first time
Same story as above, but for the mines.

Flat Tire – 20 pts – Hit the tires of a driver
Another turret-based achievement. Simply shoot the tires of a car. You’ll most likely do this accidentally within your first handful of shots.

Get Wrecked – 10 pts – Wreck your vehicle
When playing as a car, do whatever you need to do to destroy your car. This will pop when you explode.

First Win – 30 pts – Win a game in Single Player
Self-explanatory.

One shot kill – 30 pts – Hit the windshield of a driver
Given the nature of this achievement and the amount of points it yields, you’d think it would be hard. It’s not. Just use the turret’s first gun, find a nice bit of track where the cars are coming straight in line with you, and fire at the middle of them. I hit the windshield about 75% of the time doing this without really even trying.

So that’s all you need to do. All the above can be done in under 15 minutes. You’ll likely get half of them in your first game. Harm’s Way really isn’t too bad a title for what it’s worth – and for free, who can complain? Give it a shot!

Last week, XBLA was offering Penny Arcade to Gold members for 50% of its usually jacked $20.00 price. While I’m not a comic reader of any sort, I was aware of Penny Arcade and had read it before with delight. I was intrigued to see this game, as the basis of Penny Arcade has been years of insult towards the gaming industry, so putting together a PA game was sort of like deliberately stepping in a pile of your own crap to see if you could come out clean. It certainly required some stones to do, but it worked out – at least for the most part.

Anyone who loves Penny Arcade will automatically love this game. That’s a given. Anyone who hates Penny Arcade will automatically hate this game. Also a given. For anyone who doesn’t know much about Penny Arcade, it will depend on whether or not you subscribe to the dark, explicit, off-color humor that they are known for. Chances are, if you frequent Goatmoose, you love it. From robots who have a urination attack to dry humping oranges to beating hobos with a rake, this game is quite an abnormal adventure.

It’s an RPG, but not in the typical sense. You can see your enemies coming, so you can prep yourself to attack them. Your health is completely recharged after every fight, so the game is pretty easy. There are also way more pickups than are generally necessary, so you’re almost always pretty well-equipped to deal with what comes at you. If those things sound like ingredients for a crappy game, they could be – but only if the rest of the game wasn’t rather strong.

The game is hilarious. It’s nothing but joke after inappropriate joke. Some fail, some are flat dumb, but most aren’t. Most of them are spot-on bits of crude giggly. The atmosphere, music and characters are brilliant. You play as a new PA person, gender and look customizable (but limited to 1920s aristocrat garb) with lots of different facial/physical control. You choose how he interacts with the other characters and it’s all very swell. The environment is creepy and intriguing, despite being short and rather linear, and it’s very wet – if the title didn’t imply that directly enough. It’s H.P. Lovecraft in a fart joke.

The team gets ready to mess some robots up.

Combat is fun. It’s standard turn-based RPG style, and while it’s not super advanced, there are moments when you can pair up your attacks with your fellow teammates or utilize certain items against an enemy to give you the edge. For instance, throwing an orange at the little urinating robots makes them turn their backs on you for quite some time. Obviously…

The $20 (1600MS points) pricetag is steep, even for an RPG. The game takes no more than 8 hours and doesn’t hold a lot of replay value – plus, it’s only the first episode in a longer story. If you are a gamer who loves RPGs and can’t deal with a simplistic one this short, you won’t like this title. I found it a welcome change, as most RPGs these days all feel the same – this clearly doesn’t. There’s not a lot of depth, the play is simple, the style is high and the humor is tops. Glean from that what you will – but know that if you’re into callous jokes and innovative gaming, you’ll get a kick out of Penny Arcade.

Uno Rush builds upon the standard Uno game we’ve all been playing for decades. Unless you’re a hella fool, you’ll understand by the name that the pace is much quicker – and that, Jack, is a fact.

When the cards are dealt, you’re able to see what every single player is holding. The stack begins in the middle, and things get going without hesitation. Each player only has a few seconds to play a card – and when it hits your turn, your cards start to play automatically. Therefore, you have to be constantly watching the other players’ cards, watching the deck, and shuffling your hand so that when your turn hits, your cards will be in the best possible order to get rid of as many as possible.

A new special ‘shuffle’ card can be played by others that will scramble everything in your lineup, screwing anything you may have arranged for maximum disposal. There are still the skip, the reverse, the draw two, and both wild cards as well. Occasionally you’ll get screwed, not shuffle your cards properly, not move things around in your hand the way you want, and get stuck drawing a card when you have one that could have played. It’s all about speed and preparedness, and acting in the few seconds you’re given with each deal. Massive fun.

Of course, Uno Rush utilizes your Xbox 360 avatar fellow. Very rad.

Uno Rush has multiple game modes. Standard is the heart of the game. Here, you are aiming towards the goal you’ve always had in Uno: reaching 250 points before anyone else. Partner allows you and the player diagonal from you on screen to team up. When you win, they win, and vice versa. First team to 250 points wins. Also, there is Elimination mode. If you don’t play a card when it’s your turn, you get a strike. Three strikes and you’re out. The first player to get rid of all their cards, or the last one standing when all others have been eliminated is the king of Uno.

There’s also a House Rules feature that allows you to customize your own game. Naturally, there’s multiplayer, player stats, a leaderboard, and a bunch of new fun achievements to go after. Awesome game, worth 800 points. Come play with me… and be REAMED!

Please understand I am an Xbox360 person. Please understand this is simply because it is a great system. Prior to the 360′s release I would have considered myself a borderline Sony fanboy, prepared to defend the Playstation in all its glory against the ridiculously craptastic legless coffee table with football-sized controllers that was the original Xbox. But things have changed since then, and quite simply, the PS3 has never given me any reason to prefer it over the 360 aside from 2-3 games and the Blu Ray player – and dammit, that’s not enough. DIsappointing prices, disappointing online content (by comparison), disappointing PS3-only game count (by comparison) and for the fact it’s the console with superior hardware, disappointing side-by-side performance on many games have all backed me up on this.

But you PS3 people will still argue with that, so that’s all we’ll say about it.

And thus, we arrive at the first XBLA review: Puzzle Arcade!

What better way to begin game reviews than with a downloadable game that 9 or so people will enjoy?

I decided to shell out my Microsoft points for this title for a few reasons:

The other fantastic fact about doing this game as a first review is this: there’s hardly anything to review. You put puzzles together for Christ’s sake! What does one expect beyond that? It gives you a bunch of pieces, you put them together, and you form a picture. Shocker.

There are a few game modes, though, that make things interesting. You’ve got your normal puzzles, which are entertaining. You’ve got layered puzzles that are a pain, because you keep putting together layer after layer of weird-shaped things that look like paint smudges. There’s even 3d puzzles! You’ve got the puzzle of the week, a puzzle board that changes every week and downloads itself for free from XBL (a nice touch, really). You’ve got the ability to make every puzzle anywhere from 12 to thousands of pieces, making each one as difficult or easy as you want. Adding another degree of difficulty is possible, too, as you can have all the mixed-up pieces spawn on the screen facing the direction they are inserted into the puzzle, or tossed about sloppy style all over the place, forcing you to rotate and really hunt down their spots.

You can even put puzzles together online. With other puzzle people. My goodness.

The puzzle pictures themselves are quite a variety, which I find to be a good thing. Some may enjoy the pictures of weird M.C. Escher-esque oddities and some may prefer golden retriever puppies. Whatever your poison, it’ll be represented – and more packs can always be downloaded on the cheap.

The controls are simple and not overbearing. The game lets you know when you snap puzzles in correctly and keeps track of how many you have left to match, and your overall completion percentage. The music… I honestly have no memory of. Thus, it must not be that fantastic.

Overall, Goatmoose gives it: 8/10
You should know what you’re getting into when you download this title. Reviewing it for what it is, a jigsaw puzzle game, it excels at what it’s supposed to be. If you’re real into puzzles, it’s worth a look. If you’re not, you didn’t even read this, so go hump a deer.